Betty DeGeneres, mother of actress Ellen DeGeneres, is the spokesperson for the HRC Coming Out Project and an active member of PFLAG. She shared her expertise with PlanetOut on issues of coming out and acceptance. She is the author of "Love, Ellen" and "Just a Mom."

I really need your advice. My girlfriend's mother cannot tolerate me. I moved to Finland from Florida to be with my girlfriend because it worked out easier that way. We have been together for almost five years, and things are still very tense and frustrating between her mother and me.

When the three of us are together, there is so much tension. I have tried to talk with her mother, but her English is not perfect. I wrote her an e-mail in Finnish but never got a reply. I keep trying so hard to speak out to her, but nothing works.

"Mom" is big on issues like appearance and image. She is always blurting comments to my girlfriend that she needs to find a man, and all the things associated with that. But I have utmost respect for her even so.

The issue now is that my girlfriend and I are engaged, and we plan to get married in 2007, but Mom doesn't know about it. How do I start improving my relationship with my girlfriend's mother? I don't want to ruin the relationship the two of them have, and I want Mom to be a grandmother to our future children.

Is there any hope? How do I get her to tolerate us, even if she can never accept us?

Thanks!

If you've been trying for five years and it isn't working, I'd say a drastic change is in order. Maybe you need to back off, be pleasant and polite, and let your girlfriend do the trying. For starters, if "Mom" is still making remarks about your girlfriend finding a man, your girlfriend needs to sit down and fully explain her sexual orientation to her mom. I'm sure she has done this before, but sometimes it takes several conversations before it really sinks in. Good luck to all of you.

Love,
betty

I love your great advice and read it regularly. Now I need your help!

I am a gay man, and I have a sister (eight years older, now 52) whom I was close to until recently. To make a long story short, we had a misunderstanding, and through e-mail communications she wrote some very strong stuff about my being gay that I cannot forget. She has never before said anything negative since I came out almost 20 years ago.

Here are some of the things she said: "About your sexuality, if it was the way you were born, then God and Jesus are fools and homosexuals who have come out of the lifestyle are just idiots -- and I guess that means that you are right and everyone else is wrong." She also said I hate women (not true -- I have had several close female friendships, but I think she is just generalizing gay people). Lastly, she said, "Just because I think homosexuality is a sin doesn't mean there aren't other things I love about you." Can you love in parts?

I do not think I can resolve this relationship with my sister -- how could I? I love her, but I don't think I can be close to her while she has these feelings. Any advice on what I should do? I feel she has no respect for who I am.

Thank you for any help!

Sincerely,
Michael

Oh my, your sister actually said those things? I don't know how you could try to convince anyone with logic like that of anything. I believe I would avoid the subject altogether, talk about things in general and hope someday she comes back to her senses.

Love,
betty

I recently read your book "Just A Mom." After being in denial about my son's gayness, he and I are talking about it. He shared this book with me, and I found it to be very informative. I still ask the question "Why?" It is so foreign to me, but I am willing to better understand this way of life. It's the willingness that counts -- and he and I are both willing. Thanks for sharing your book with the world.

Grateful Sue

Thank you so much. I just met a woman who told me my book "Love, Ellen" saved her life. It is so humbling and gratifying to hear things like this -- helping families accept the news that a loved one is gay, lesbian, bisexual or transgender was the reason for writing these books. I'm glad they're fulfilling their purpose. All the best to you.

Love,
betty

Dear Friends,

Just a few weeks ago, the idea popped into the back of my mind that it might be time for me to retire. And you know how that goes -- once a germ of an idea creeps in, if the timing is right, the idea just grows and grows until it happens. At least, sometimes it happens like that.

This is what has happened for me, and so this is my farewell column. I've been writing this column for six years now. It has been a challenge, an honor and a privilege. I thank you all for the love, trust and faith you've shown me.

Several people have suggested that the questions and answers of "Ask Betty" should be put into book form so, there you are. I'll be working on what may become my third book. Meanwhile, I know that PlanetOut has plans for other resources for you.

I wish you all love and happiness. Always dream big.

betty