Since Betty DeGeneres began writing her advice column for PlanetOut,
she has received thousands of questions about religion.
Most of them have to do with one of two issues: how to deal
with the particular brand of homophobia that is too often fostered by
organized religion, and how to reconcile one's faith with one's sexual
identity. Such questions rarely have easy answers. Here are some of
Betty's attempts to make sense of these issues, which affect gay men and
lesbians of all faiths.
"I must comment on a sect that forbids homosexuality. That's like
forbidding left-handedness, or blue eyes. Homosexuality can't be
forbidden. It just is. Someday the world will understand that."
Dear Betty,
I'm 17 and I've been going to confirmation classes at my church.
About 10 or 12 years ago my Uncle (who was gay) went to my church for
confession, and the priest (who knew he was gay) tried to get him to say
that homosexuality is bad and he's going to hell for it. Of course he
wouldn't, and the priest wouldn't let him make his confession.
Now every week I have to go to the same church and listen to them
speak about how awful homosexuality is. And it hurts to sit there while
they condemn who I am. I want to tell my mom how it hurts to be there,
and how I hate it, but she doesn't know I'm a lesbian yet. And I don't
know how or when to tell her. I would really appreciate some advice.
Thank you,
Elisabeth
Dear Elisabeth,
How terrible for you. I don't know what the solution is. For one thing,
it
sounds like you need to buy some time. Couldn't you tell your mother
that confirmation is a huge, lifetime decision and you want to wait and
be
sure you're really ready?
You shouldn't be pressured into this decision -- or into telling your
mom if
you think the time isn't right. At the same time, if you do tell her, do
you
think she will try to understand and be supportive?
I do know that a lot of gays and lesbians are practicing Catholics and
are
regular attendants of churches that aren't as judgmental as yours seems
to be. Good luck to you with whatever decision you make.
Love,
betty
Dear Betty,
I'm a 17-year-old guy who has just recently accepted the fact that I am
gay. Here is the main problem: I was raised in the church my entire
life.
From kindergarten all the way through to my recent graduation from high
school, I attended a Christian school, where I would sit in class and
hear
every day that homosexuality is a major no-no and anyone participating
in this would be sent to hell. My entire family is very church-centered
and
HUGELY against gays -- they find them repulsive. All of my friends are
also believers in the "homos go to hell" view. I have had quite a number
of girlfriends, but I always knew that something was missing, and now I
know why. I don't think that I can live my life like this forever, but I
know
that if I came out, my entire family and all of my friends would turn
their
backs on me. I have absolutely no one to turn to. I'm sure you get tons
of messages similar to this one, but I truly hope you have some advice
for me.
Thank you.
Xander
Dear Xander,
You were raised in "the church," but not "a" church that teaches God's
love and acceptance of all his children. There are such churches, you
know. You give me very little to go on. Where do you live? Do you plan
to
go away to college? I hope you do. It sounds like you need to get away
from your restrictive, insular society. The world is much bigger than
that.
The sooner you learn that, the better.
Love,
Betty
Dear Betty,
I am a 29-year-old male who is a
devout Christian. I have always
lived my life as a straight man, but
I have always had an attraction to
men. Although I want to deny it,
inside I know I am gay. I cannot
come to grips with my feelings. I
know that if I were to come out it
would destroy my family, church,
work ... basically my life.
I have always tried to be the
perfect son and Christian. Being
gay goes against everything I have
ever been taught. I do not want to be gay, and yet the older I get the
more I want a loving, sensual relationship with a man. I cannot live
this
way and disappoint everyone. I would rather be dead than expose the
true me, but I know that killing myself would not solve anything.
I can't come out, so what do I do? Should I try to start over somewhere
else, leaving my friends and family behind? If I decide to start over
somewhere else, where and how do I start? I know that running is just
avoiding the reality of who I am, but I can no longer live as a straight
man.
Something has to give. My family is very important to me and church is
essential to me, but I am gay and I know they could never accept it. I
would really rather die and just get out of my misery. I feel like
running
out of my life. What do I do?
Rodney
Dear Rodney,
Your letter is very similar to Xander's, except you've got 12 years'
experience on him. So why are you still there? Of course your family is
important to you, but if revealing your true self would destroy your
family,
maybe you need to create your own loving family. Lots of gay men and
women do. Of course you don't want to be gay, with the negative
messages you're surrounded by. You sound like you desperately need a
friendly therapist to talk to. And please know that there are many, many
churches -- mainstream and otherwise, such as the Metropolitan
Community Church -- that will welcome you with open arms. If you're a
good man who just happens to be gay, you're perfectly fine just the way
God made you. I know so many gay men all over this country, business
and professional men, who are outstanding leaders in their communities.
I hope someday in my travels I'll meet you as one of them.
Love,
betty
Preaching to the Converted
Dear Betty,
I'm a 35-year-old attorney. After years of self-hatred and denial, I
came
out to myself about four years ago (slow learner -- I know), and slowly
but surely have been coming out to many friends and some family over
that time. My friends have been wonderfully supportive, my parents much
less so. For years I have struggled with what I feel is a call to the
ministry. For almost 20 years I rejected the idea because my religious
upbringing had convinced me that my homosexual feelings were evil --
perhaps even "of the devil" -- making a church vocation impossible.
Thanks to a lot of prayer and some wonderful ministers and friends
(inside and out of the church), I've come to know that God loves and
accepts me just the way I am. In what feels like the culmination of my
coming out process and the fulfillment of my true purpose in life, I am
leaving my practice to pursue a Masters of Divinity and ultimately will
seek ordination as a minister.
I belong to a denomination that is struggling with the ordination of
gays
and lesbians, but currently will not ordain us. I've made the decision
to
stay with this denomination for now, not to make a political statement,
but because I have hope that minds and hearts are changing every day
on this issue. I know this means that I may have some tough times
ahead. I've made a promise to myself and a promise to God that I will
not lie about my orientation at any point during this process, and that
I
would never accept a position from a church that did not have all of the
facts.
But is that going far enough? Do I have an obligation to be "more out"
than that? I know that eventually I'll have to confront certain church
leaders with this issue. In your mind, am I ethically obligated to
disclose
this now, even though they haven't asked, or can I just let it happen
whenever it happens? I'm seeking the opinions of my friends, and since
I have gotten so much out of your wonderful advice to others, I thought
I'd see what your take is on it. Thanks.
Sincerely,
Christian at a Crossroads (Michael)
Dear Michael,
I'm flattered that you want my take, but I don't think my take matters
very much. As a lawyer you would know best about what you're ethically
obligated to disclose.
There are denominations and divinity schools that would be much more
accepting of your sexual orientation than yours seem to be. Wouldn't it
be easier for you to be part of a group that values your whole
personhood? Of course, to answer my own question, I suppose if we all
just took the easy way, change would never come about.
All the best to you with whatever you decide.
Love,
betty
Dear Betty,
My name is Carol and I am a Christian. I struggle with my love for Jesus
and my acceptance of my lesbianism. I am 37 years old and have spent
my adult years hiding from the truth. How do I begin telling the truth?
What harm have the lies done to me?
I met Ellen when she was speaking at U-Mass. She was very instrumental
in me
coming to terms with my lying. I was so nervous when I met her, I
couldn't even thank her.
I am an ordained minister in the Assembly of God Church. If you are
familiar at all with this denomination, you know that we take a strong,
outward Biblical stance against gays. I have walked both sides of the
fence and I am now almost broken.
I know that you are busy and famous, but I'll let you know that I've put
in
a special request to Jesus to have you notice this e-mail. I just loved
your
book, it was very healing to me. Lord, please strengthen Betty in her
understanding of her purpose on earth.
Most sincerely,
Carol
Dear Carol,
God didn't make any mistakes. And he made you and millions of other
men and women just like you. Your homosexuality and being a Christian
are not mutually exclusive. Many gay men and women live fulfilling
spiritual lives in churches that welcome them into their congregations.
If
we all believed exactly the same thing, there would be only one church
--
or maybe no churches. But because there are almost as many ideas
about the proper road to spirituality as there are people to think them
up,
there are many different kinds of churches and religions. Why don't you
participate in a friendlier one?
Dear Betty,
My son is 31 years old and came out to us his senior year of high
school.
We are supportive and accepting. My problem is with my religion. I have
been a Catholic, and after they spent money to help pass that bill in
California to not recognize domestic partnership I could no longer go to
church anymore. I felt so angry that they wasted good money to do that.
What has been your experience with religion and the pull you feel to
choose between your child and your church?
Sincerely,
Pat
Dear Pat,
Congratulations on being supportive and accepting of your son. Of course
you are. You love him.
I commiserate with you. I, too, don't understand the millions that
churches poured into this needless, mean-spirited little piece of
legislation. According to news reports, the Catholic and Mormon churches
were two of the biggest contributors.
There are many pathways to God, as evidenced by the proliferation of
religions all over the world. If the pull is between my child and my
church,
no contest -- I go with my child and choose a church that embraces
everyone.
I do know, however, that many gay men and women are active members
of Catholic and Protestant churches even though these churches are
not accepting in their official stance. I guess you just go with your
heart.
Love,
betty
Dear Betty,
We are a lesbian couple who are considering schools in LA for our
daughter. There's one we like called Berkeley Hall which is run by
Christian Scientists. Although the religion is not taught there, all
teachers
and administrators are practicing Christian Scientists. My question to
you is
what is Christian Science's stance on homosexuality? I can find no
reference to this on any of their Web sites. Thanks very much.
Ketti
Dear Ketti,
Here's what I know about it. I was told by a gay man who considers
himself a Christian Scientist that he was turned down for membership in
a
branch church because he is gay. I was told by someone else that the
Mother Church in Boston does not accept homosexuals as members. I
would love to be told I'm wrong about both of these, because I've always
thought of Christian Science as being very open and accepting of all.
Maybe the best way to go is to ask the school principal. He or she
should
be able to give you an honest answer. Best of luck to you, Ketti, with
this
important decision.
Lots of love to you all,
betty
They Beg to Differ
Dear Betty,
Instead of endorsing such an unnatural lifestyle, why didn't you, and
don't you, encourage your daughter and her live-in (she's not your DIL)
to get some spiritual help from Christian counselors. Perhaps if she
listened with an open heart and mind she would learn and accept that
this
is a very unnatural lifestyle. Why else wouldn't God permit these
liaisons
to produce children? Looking forward to your answer.
P.B.
Dear P.B.,
My goodness. I'm as sure I'm right
and you're wrong as you're sure
you're right and I'm wrong. Why
are you logging on to PlanetOut
anyway? I don't think you'll allow
your mind to be changed, but
anyway here goes.
1. No, Anne's not my DIL. To me
she's another daughter and I love
her just that way.
2. What's unnatural? If we're heterosexual, of course a same-sex
relationship would be unnatural for us. But for our gay family members,
that's where their romantic feelings are. Nowhere else.
3. What about heterosexual couples who marry and never have children
-- or never even want children? Are they condemned to hell? We're about
to populate ourselves off the face of the earth. God bless those of us
who
don't have, or choose not to have, children.
I wish you could find compassion in your heart and embrace diversity in
your mind. God made us all and he didn't make mistakes. We're not all
the same.
Love,
betty
Dear Betty,
I have just come across your column in some research I am doing. I was
interested in your response to the person wanting to know what caused
homosexuality. You basically said, "Who cares?"
The truth is, almost everybody cares, whether they are homosexual or
just love someone who is. I think that many people care so much that
they can't really get past the paralysis they are in until they do the
research for themselves, or at least read enough along those lines to
settle their own doubts and concerns.
It seems that at the very least you could suggest that they do an
Internet
search on homosexuality and the religion of their choice, and suggest
they look for positions on all sides, so they can make an informed
decision for themselves.
I am the director of one of those "ex-gay" ministries your community is
always putting down. (I put quotes around it because I don't like the
label.)
Have you ever checked us out? I'd be glad to correspond with you if you
are interested. By the way, I don't believe in trying to change people,
so I
won't be trying to change your mind either! Just wanting to understand
your position and how you got there, and share my story if you are
interested.
Sincerely,
Mary
Dear Mary,
Apparently you took my "Who cares" to be rather glib and cavalier. It
wasn't meant that way, and gay men and women who are proud and
happy with who they are know this. We may never have a definitive
answer as to whether homosexuality is genetic or not -- nature or
nurture
-- but as Ellen and millions of other gay men and women say, "Who
cares?" They're living their lives as God made them, and all the testing
can stop right now as far as they're concerned. Ellen told me recently
that
she feels her being gay is a gift. Because she's a lesbian, she lives
her
life more meaningfully and mindfully than those of us who don't have to
prove ourselves at every turn.
You're the director of an ex-gay ministry and you don't believe in
trying to
change people? Oxymoron. The "doubts and concerns" of gay people are
directly related to the negative treatment and verbal bashing with which
they are bombarded by religious extremists. Can you even imagine being
treated so horribly for just being who you are? Imagine what that would
do to your self-esteem.
I think the time for tiptoeing around and acting like ex-gay ministries
are
a minor annoyance is over. It's time to call this what it is -- a major
insult
to the integrity and validity of a minority group of our citizens. Mary,
you
should stop wasting your time trying to change perfectly good people.
Instead of an ex-gay ministry, have gay ministries. Bring gay men and
women, who want to be there, back to your churches instead of driving
them away. Spend your time and money on ministries for ex-gang
members, ex-white supremacists, alcoholics, drug addicts -- people with
real, honest-to-goodness problems. And let's not talk about taking every
word of the Bible literally. We don't kill people for committing
adultery.
Wouldn't that just decrease the numbers in some congregations!
Thanks for writing.
Love,
Betty
P.S. I cleared this with Ellen because I didn't want to quote her
without her
permission. She said, "Funny -- we have more ex-straights than they
have ex-gays -- and we don't even have an organization!"
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